25 Ways to Make Baseball More Entertaining

Baseball is America’s favorite sport. I get it. There are lots of reasons why baseball is a great game. It’s the only sport that you can play as an overweight 35 year old white guy, it gives us an excuse to eat hotdogs and popcorn at the same time, and I’m pretty sure the only reason Bill Murray is still alive is because every time the Cubs win God allows him another week of life. But, if we’re being real…there’s a reason that there are only 12 mildly interested fans at a Marlins game. Baseball can be more boring than listening to a friend tell you about what happened in one of their dreams. That’s why I put together a list of 25 things (and sent a few emails to the commissioner of baseball) that would make baseball more fun to watch.

 

  1. Make the gloves look like giant human hands.
  2. Make the umpires milly rock to signal a strike and do jazz hands for a ball.
  3. Let the players use steroids.
  4. Make the players use steroids.
  5. Require fans and journalists to wear full baseball uniforms like the managers.
  6. Refer to homeruns as bow-chowskies. As in “Stanton just smashed his 50th bow-chowsky of the season”
  7. If the batter can name 7 types of berries before the defense catches his fly ball he can go safely to first base.
  8. Make the season 100 games shorter.
  9. Force the pitchers to wear sunglasses. This way, they can drop them down onto their nose when they look at the catcher’s signal, then push them back up to their eyes before they throw. (That would be so dope)
  10. Make it basketball.
  11. Make it football.
  12. Whenever a manager and umpire argue over a call, replace the audio with two men yelling at each other in Japanese. (kung fu movie style)
  13. Make the Pittsburg Pirates wear actual pirate hats.
  14. Outfielders should have the choice between using a glove or a giant butterfly net to catch balls.
  15. Make the base path from third to home a slip-n-slide. (obviously)
  16. No more good pitchers. We came to see Aaron Judge turn the ball into a satellite, not to watch Scherzer play catch for three hours.
  17. If a batter is hit by a pitch he should get to choose between taking his base or being allowed to throw the ball back at the pitcher.
  18. Replace the warning track with a trampoline. (seriously surprised this hasn’t happened yet)
  19. There should be a minimum of at least one live bull in the bullpen at all times.
  20. Ok. Hear me out on this… Somehow bring a hot-air balloon into the mix. I don’t know how it would work, but it would bring a whole new level of excitement to the game if there was a player chilling in a wicker basket 100 feet up catching fly-balls in center-field.
  21. Spaghetti Tuesdays. (it’s exactly what it sounds like)
  22. If a player successfully rounds the bases and touches home plate, he should be able to then attempt to run to first base for a second time. But, if he is thrown out at first, his run no longer counts.
  23. Find out who Joe Buck’s worst enemy is and force them to commentate every game together.
  24. If the catcher drops a pitch, he should be called the dropper not the catcher for the rest of the game.
  25. Instead of dumping Gatorade on the winning manager, dump it on the losing team’s manager to shame them.

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