An Email From Kyle Kuzma to His Father

Hey Dad, it’s me Kyle. Ya know, your son Kyle who scores 8 points per game more than Lavar Ball’s son. Ya know, the Lakers rookie that isn’t shooting under 25% from the arc. Anyway, I’m writing you because I have something I need to get off my chest… I don’t know, Dad. Sometimes I feel like you could do more to support me. All you’ve ever done is sacrifice countless hours to teach me the fundamentals of basketball, show me that with hard work nothing is impossible, and believed in me enough to help me pursue my dream. But when was the last time you did something to really help me be a better basketball player, like going on T.V. and shouting some complete nonsense at Stephen A. Smith? Look, I score more points than Lonzo Ball, I’m shooting 50% from the field, and I almost ended Joel Embiid’s career in one jump, but Lonzo makes the ESPN homepage when he gets a haircut. If I’m ever going to make it in the NBA, you need to start doing what any loving father would do for his son and make half the country hate you. Like, maybe you could go on Sports Center and say something like you could beat Michael Jordan in one-on-one? Or that you have more gold medals than Michael Phelps? Or maybe you could say you’ve never lost a game of monopoly even though you only buy Baltic Avenue and one railroad?

It’s hard enough being a rookie in Los Angeles, but do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to be the only rookie with a dad who hasn’t taken his shirt off at a WWE match? It’s almost like you’re trying to humiliate me with all your private love and encouragement. If you want to help me become the best basketball player I can be, I thought of some things you could do:

  • Cut off a piece of Doris Burke’s hair at a game.
  • You know the “Up high, down low, too slow!” high five thing?? Do that to the President on T.V.
  • Tell everyone that I am indeed the true Dalai Lama.
  • Take your pants off at a Miley Cyrus concert.
  • Start a brand for me called the Kyle Kuzma Kings. With a big logo that says KK…Wait. Not that one.
  • Sit behind Charles Barkley at his daughter’s wedding and cover the back of his head with spit-balls.
  • Claim that you dunked on Shaq while Dikembe Mutombo was sitting on his shoulders.
  • Make some Skechers with my initials and sell them for $35,000
  • Cyber-bully Elon Musk.
  • Spray paint “Aiken should’ve won!” on Ruben Studdard’s car.
  • Throw up on an otter.

Apparently this is the only way to become a star in the NBA. I hope you can find it in your heart to be a total ass so I can make the all-rookie team.

-Love, your son Kyle

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