Who Should Replace UVU President Matthew Holland?

President Holland recently announced that he will be leaving UVU in order to serve as a mission president for the LDS church. Holland has been president of the university since 2009 and has done great things for the school. Under his presidency, the school transitioned from a state college to a full university and later became the largest in the state with more than 37,000 students. Considering his contributions to the school, it’s certain that he’ll be missed, but the big question now is: Who should replace him?

The only way to determine the best replacement is to start with the top 20 candidates, then list the qualifications needed to be president of UVU and eliminate the names that don’t make the cut. Whoever is the last one standing should be the next president.

Possible Candidates

  1. Karl Malone
  2. Principal Belding from Saved by the Bell
  3. Sylvester Stallone
  4. Seth Rogen
  5. Scottie Pippen
  6. Aunt Viv from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
  7. Me
  8. Dwight Shrute
  9. Hillary Duff
  10. The lady from the Popeye’s Chicken commercials
  11. Hulk Hogan
  12. Jake Gyllenhaal
  13. Dick Van Dyke
  14. Alfred the Butler
  15. Tom Hanks
  16. Caesar from Planet of the Apes
  17. The guy who invented Netflix’s “Skip Intro” button
  18. Ken Griffey Jr.
  19. Gordon Ramsay
  20. Bill Murray

Some of these might not seem like great choices on the surface, but each and every one of them was selected for a reason and deserves to be carefully considered.

Requirement #1: The new president can’t do anything that might offend entire social/racial groups at UVU.

Well, as much as it hurts me to say this… Hulk Hogan is the first to go[1] . I would love to see the president of a University suplex someone, but Hulk Hogan calls everyone he comes in contact with “Brother” in a very loud and enthusiastic way. I just don’t see that going over well with some of the African American students.

Dick Van Dyke has to go simply due to the fact that two thirds of his name can’t even be said on TV. Mormon moms would not be happy.

Gordon Ramsay gets dropped here too. I can only imagine the outrage that would follow Gordon Ramsay criticizing Waffle Love or cookies from Chip. There would be the largest protest this school has ever seen. Every yoga pants wearing white girl who captions their Instagram selfies with quotes about dancing in the rain would be demanding the removal of president Ramsay. Since UVU is 85% white girls in yoga pants, we need to keep them happy.

Candidates remaining: Karl Malone, Principal Belding from Saved by the Bell, Sylvester Stallone, Seth Rogen, Scottie Pippen, Aunt Viv from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Me, Dwight Shrute, Hillary Duff, the lady from the Popeye’s Chicken commercials, Jake Gyllenhaal, Alfred the Butler, Tom Hanks, Caesar from Planet of the Apes, the guy who invented Netflix’s “Skip Intro” button, Ken Griffey Jr., Bill Murray

Requirement #2: The new president can’t look or act like Jake Gyllenhaal.

Oh, no…That gets rid of Jake Gylenhaal. Ah man. Well, at least now he’ll have more time to make movies that would be better if anyone else took his role.[2]

Requirement #3: I can’t have had a crush on the new president at any time.

It just doesn’t seem like a good idea for me to attend a school if I’ve had a crush on the president, I wouldn’t be able to focus. Hillary Duff is for sure getting dropped here. I’m not ashamed to say that from 2001-2004 I could not get enough Hillary Duff.[3]

Sadly, this is where we lose the lady from the Popeye’s Chicken commercials as well. I love fried chicken with all my heart, so naturally when I saw a spunky southern lady on TV who shares my passion for extra crispy tenders, I fell in love.

Candidates remaining: Karl Malone, Principal Belding from Saved by the Bell, Sylvester Stallone, Seth Rogen, Scottie Pippen, Aunt Viv from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Me, Dwight Shrute, Alfred the Butler, Tom Hanks, Caesar from Planet of the Apes, The guy who invented Netflix’s “Skip Intro” button, Ken Griffey Jr., Bill Murray

Requirement #4 The new president must be able to dress professionally.

Well, Caesar from Planet of the Apes lasted longer than Jake Gylenhaal if that means anything. I have no doubt that one day Caesar could be a great president at UVU, but I can’t see him fitting his chimp feet into a pair of dress shoes, so I guess we’ll just have to wait until the professional world is more accepting of talking apes in leadership positions.

We have to say goodbye to Ken Griffey Jr here too. Griffey is famous for making it cool to wear baseball caps backwards. With a simple 180’ rotation he instantly became the flyest baseball player I had ever seen. At his Hall of Fame induction speech in 2016 he wore (what I assume is a very expensive) suit and tie and topped it off with his signature backwards hat. We will never forget his contribution to headwear, but we have to take him out of the running.

Karl Malone is also out after this one. I have a theory that Karl Malone doesn’t know how to tie a tie. I have searched for hours[4] trying to find a picture of The Mail Man wearing a tie, but he’s always just rocking the open top button. To be fair, he did wear a bow-tie to his Hall of Fame ceremony in 2010, but my team of researchers[5] and I have hard evidence[6] that shows the bow-tie in question was indeed a clip-on. 14 All-Star selections, 36,374 career points….0 ties.

I’m getting eliminated here too. I’m very anti-dress clothes. I can barely stand wearing a button-up shirt for a couple of hours on Sunday, and that’s for Jesus. No chance I’m dressing up for a job.

Candidates Remaining: Principal Belding from Saved by the Bell, Sylvester Stallone, Seth Rogen, Scottie Pippen, Aunt Viv from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Dwight Shrute, Alfred the Butler, Tom Hanks, The guy who invented Netflix’s “Skip Intro” button, Bill Murray

Requirement #5 They can’t be so great that we would be depriving the world of their greatness by making them be president.

Tom Hanks, Bill Murray, and the guy who invented Netflix’s “Skip Intro” button are all far too great to be considered actual candidates.

Tom Hanks seems like he would be the ultimate father figure. I don’t even know if Tom Hanks has kids, but regardless he is the best dad on this planet we call Earth. Every Hallmark Father’s Day card should end with a parenthetical clarifying that Tom Hanks is actually the world’s best dad.

Bill Murray is Bill Murray. He’s a national treasure and I’m pretty sure he will live forever as long as the Cubs keep winning games. The only people that don’t like Bill Murray are liars. I’m fairly confident that he is so universally liked that when Isis is planning attacks they’re like “Let’s just make sure Bill Murray doesn’t get hurt, ok? He was my favorite Ghostbuster”.

I don’t know who pitched the “Skip Intro” button to Netflix, but they should be honored with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. There should be a new category at the Academy Awards for “best skip intro button idea” and they win it every year for the next forever.

We need these American heroes out in the world doing what they do best. It would be too selfish to have them as the president of UVU.

Candidates Remaining: Principal Belding from Saved by the Bell, Sylvester Stallone, Seth Rogen, Scottie Pippen, Aunt Viv from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Dwight Shrute, Alfred the Butler

Requirement #6 The new president can’t be known as somebody’s side-kick.

As president, there are 37,000 students looking to you as their leader. We need someone who is capable of leading on their own. This is where we lose Scottie Pippen, Dwight Shrute, and the guy I honestly thought would win this whole thing, Alfred the Butler.

Scottie Pippen will always be known as the second option on the Bulls.

Without Batman, Alfred would just be a guy in a suit serving breakfast with a side of life lessons to some rich kid.

Even though Dwight Shrute would probably dedicate his life to UVU the way he has to paper sales, he will always be remembered as the Assistant Regional Manager[7].

Candidates Remaining: Principal Belding from Saved by the Bell, Sylvester Stallone, Seth Rogen, Aunt Viv from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Requirement #7: If Zack Morris says “Time Out” the president shouldn’t freeze until he says “Time In”.

This may seem like its unfairly targeting Principal Belding from Saved by the Bell, since Zack did this to him on almost every episode, but there’s a good chance Seth Rogen would freeze too. It’s very likely that Seth Rogen would be high at the time of Zack Morris’ time out, and an incredibly high Seth Rogen could be so confused by Morris saying “time out” that he would just stand still until someone told him what was going on. We can’t afford our school to be frozen at the will of some punk from Bayside Highschool no matter how perfect his hair is.

See ya later to Principle Belding and Seth Rogen.

Candidates Remaining: Aunt Viv from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and Sylvester Stallone

Requirement #8 The new president can’t be responsible for Rocky V.

Following up an epic 15 round victory over Ivan Drago (essentially ending the cold war[8]) with a movie like Rocky V is completely unacceptable behavior for the new president of UVU.

For that reason, I am very happy to announce that Matt Holland’s replacement as university president is Aunt Viv from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

All hail President Aunt Viv.

Footnotes:

One of my aspirations in life is to have Hulk Hogan ruffle my hair and say “Ya got heart, kid. Ya got heart.”

I’m very confident that Gylenhaal hasn’t had a single role that couldn’t have been done better by someone else and will fight anyone who disagrees (Except Hulk Hogan).

I will defend the greatness of the Lizzie Mcguire movie til I die.

About 7 minutes.

Just me.

Really just a hunch and a dislike for Karl Malone because he left the Jazz to sign with the Lakers.

Assistant to the Regional Manager.

Whenever I watch Rocky IV I like to imagine a group of Russians watching it for the first time and being like “No way this guy will beat Drago. He couldn’t even catch that chicken during his training.” Then as the fight goes to the 15th round and Rocky starts winning, all of them getting so mad they throw their vodka bottles at the TV.

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